Group of girls searches for token gay guy
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
The Crater Maurine Laudson and her two best friends are looking to add a homosexual man to their titillating trio as a way to "spice things up," and form a feminine foursome.
Maurine Laudson reaches up to adjust a bar and grill's television set to have it show Sex and the City.
"Fran and Chantelle and I are closer than most people are with their siblings or friends," Laudson said, sipping a cocktail at Twisters, a bar and grill known to be frequented by the gay community. "The thing is, though, we could use a man's perspective now and then." Eyeing a twenty-something man dressed in a collared pink shirt, she continued, "We just want to be sure it's a feminine one."
Auborne, 26, who functions as the bitchy one looking to usurp power wherever possible, corroborated the plan.
"Ricky, as I believe we shall call him, will go out of his way to be as gay as possible," Aubourne said. "His sexual preference for men is next to inconsequential. Simply put, Ricky's function in our clique will be to dress lavishly, read Cosmo[politan], participate in menstrual whines, and make our other friends uneasy with the level of comfort he has with his own sexuality as he exhibits every single archetypical trait of homosexuality."
The sentiment was echoed by Shaiti, 24, the unattractive one whom the others openly confess to keeping around in order to feel better about themselves.
"Really, really, really, really gay," Shaiti said of the gender bender-to-be, adjusting her tattered Boston Red Sox baseball cap. "He needs to be more feminine than me," she continued, a property her two girlfriends do not believe will be difficult to find.
Despite increasing acceptance of the gay community, trial runs in the past have proven largely unsuccessful for the threesome.
Several weeks ago the girls believed they had found their trio's ideal match but were disappointed when, later that evening, the prospect confessed his penchant for flannel shirts, hunting, and sharing "a cold one with the boys after 'the game.'"
"Everything about him seemed to perfectly coincide with what we were looking for," Aubourne recalled. "From his stylish Gucci manpurse to his tan leather mandals, we felt there was no doubt about his homosexual inspired femininity. Since then, though, we've been very careful about who we approach," she asserted, noting they have screened gays, homos, queers, catchers, pitchers, fairies, queens, pansies, and poofs alike, without any significant results. However, the companions remain optimistic, saying that the search is far from over.
"Somewhere out there is a men's man hunting for three fag hags to settle in with while he jumps around from bed to bed," Laudson confidently proclaimed. "We're willing to hoist the rainbow flag up for these pole smokers and consider all applicants."
"No bi[sexual]s, though. Dirty faggots."
