'Tap the Ass' concert Friday
All-male bands to take the stage
Wednesday, May 2, 2007The Crater WINDSOR, ONTARIO—On the heels of the recent "Smash the Glass" girl power concert held at the University of Windsor, a coalition of male students is set to host its own concert to raise awareness of men's issues.
Sonia Nizzer (right) steals the profits from her female-biased concert while friend Cristina Naccarato does all the work.
"Was their Smash the Glass name some fancy metaphor? I dunno, but all our beer will be in bottles."
Smash the Glass was coordinated by Women's Studies freshman Sonia Nizzer, who chose the name because, in her words, "there is a glass ceiling in management that can't be seen, but prevents women from advancing beyond a certain level."
While Nizzer objects to Sklar's plans and feels "the guys are taking this joke too far," "Ass" is being handled seriously. Sponsorship has come flooding in since the first proposition for Ass, mainly from the fathers of the students putting the performance on, all of who are affluent CEOs and presidents of major companies.
"I am devoted to Ass, and am behind it 100 percent," stated Julian Sklar, Randy's father and head of Rx Ape Inc., a Windsor-based pharmaceutical giant.
Though women will not be admitted to the concert, University of Windsor officials have already expressed approval of and gratitude toward the event, including President Ross Paul.
"Why would women be allowed to attend?" Paul questioned. "This is a concert by men, for men. It will let our male students enjoy musical performances without any sort of female dominance or bias. It's a chance for the forgotten sex of this campus to exercise its rights—its rights to tap the ass."
Despite assertions like these, some male students have raised concerns about the single sex admittance policy. Second-year Engineering major Robert Lassman, who "thought this was all about getting laid," spoke to such apprehension.
"Like the name says, I want to go to this thing so I can get drunk and tap as much ass as I possibly can," he said, "but it seems like the only ass you'll be able to get around there will be hairy dude ass." Lassman is in favour of opening the event to both sexes but suggests limiting female attendance to "hot blondes, and maybe a few really kinky brunettes."
Even so, Sklar believes students should loosen up about Ass and let it expel what isn't strictly necessary. "The no-chick thing might rag them now, but everyone at Ass will turn the other cheek when they see the two crazy-hot chicks we'll have up on stage," he pointed out. "'Cause 'Smash' was obviously a lesbo fest, and we don't want any gay shit. Except the chicks on the stage. They'll be all over each other."
Added Sklar, with a quaver: "Hot."
Based on communications with the bands, the organizers confirmed nearly nine out of every ten local artists in Windsor will perform, a feat Don Beach, one of the many students lending a helping hand to Ass, attributes to "the total lack of lame chick bands around here." According to Beach, the sheer attendance levels at Ass will leave all the little girls crying and running home to their mommies to eat chocolate ice cream and watch The Notebook.
"Guys listen for these notifications," Beach further stated. "Men want to know when other men in their community are getting together to stand up for their rights. Primarily, their right to tap that sweet, sweet ass."
With less than a week remaining to prepare, Sklar is ironing out the lingering problems. "They went with 'Smash the Glass '07,' actually," he deliberated. "How would 'Tap the Ass '07' sound? Or maybe 'Tap the Ass 007'? Yeah, that'd be sweet. Maybe my dad can get the banner changed."
Nizzer plans to retaliate next year with "Smash the Frats."
