Candy Land to meet Kandy Protocol by 2015
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The Crater A recent announcement made by the leaders of Candy Land revealed plans to meet goals outlined in the Kandy Protocol by the year 2015.
The Kandy Protocol aims to reduce such harmful candy emissions as these.
While the bill was deemed farcical at the time and rejected by the Gingerbread Plum Tree Senate, new life was breathed into the forgotten Protocol recently by Kandy's daughter (by Queen Frostine) and Kandy fortune heiress Princess Lolly. The Protocol, revamped to meet with modern standards, will go into effect next month.
Lolly called her resurrection of the bill a "tribute" to her father in an emotionally charged speech to the Senate Tuesday.
"The problem is so much worse than my father, even in his infinite wisdom, could have ever predicted," Lolly divulged in her address. "While his goal of reducing dangerous candy emissions was considered quite radical at the time, we know better now that the truth behind pollution has been widely sugar-coated. No one could have ever guessed back then the depth of the candy crisis we'd face today."
Boards belonging to the MB gathered together at Hasbro world headquarters on Kentucky Avenue yesterday to sign the accord, which states Annex 1 boards must reduce their candy emissions by five percent within six years of the decade's end. For Candy Land, this includes the Gumdrop Mountains and the Molasses Swamp.
"We're certainly moving in the right direction with this bill," said Swamp official Gloppy the Molasses Monster. "If this whole thing makes enough difference, maybe we'll be able to open our doors again to children under three."
Provinces unable to follow the Protocol will find themselves losing coloured-square cards, which act as allowance points in the new system. Meanwhile, non-Annex 1 areas such as the Crooked Old Peanut Brittle House, located in the Peanut Acres region, will find regulations upon them more lax—a decision made by Lolly—due to their economic vulnerability and unpopularity beside newer, more flashy candies.
Lolly admits the Kandy Protocol is "just a first step," and hopes the nation will experience greater environmental progress when the Protocol is teamed with other reduction measures such as a second Rainbow Road, the traffic-heavy route the government uses to ship harmful candies to lands willing to dispose of its waste.
As for when the goals currently laid out by the Protocol will be reached, Candy Landian opinion is far from optimistic.
"I'd be surprised if it can be done at all," Mr. Mint said in a brief telephone interview. Likewise, Lord Licorice was hesitant to call the standard realistic, believing the renewal of the Protocol is simply Lolly's attempt at gaining good press internationally after embarrassment over the Hungary Hungry Hippo scandal last month, in which Candy Land's export of low-grade, toxic candy put the Green Hippopotamus into intensive care. As a result, the Yellow Hippopotamus has brought a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the Candy Landian government.
"Sure, the Hippo scandal scarred both this nation's pride and its pocket book," Licorice vented. "But who does Lolly think she is? This isn't about her father. It is about her hurting the economy more than it's already been injured," he asserted, adding, "Besides, no one seems to draw a purple card. How is anyone supposed to reach the goal without a purple card?"
Still, Lolly is confident the treaty's nearly unanimous support at the MB reflects a society ready to reduce, and is already drafting the Cocoa Convention, a follow-up to the Kandy Protocol aimed at dealing with more deadly substances, including brownies, Ding Dongs, Jos. Louis, and s'mores.
Major candy producers the Parker Brothers have signed the Kandy Protocol, but refuse to ratify it.
